Horror, 87 Minutes, 2010
[Wife and kids are away for the weekend and here I am again, burning through terrible movies. Selflessly. For you.]
Damn this was slow. Slow. Slow. Slow. Molasses slow. Snail slow. Tortoise slow.
The story, originally enough, focuses on a group of young friends spending time at a cabin in the woods. Jennifer is there to remember her beloved father who recently died in a car accident. The rest are just kind of there for various reasons.
We get regular saccharine flashbacks to Jennifer’s childhood. Her mom was a jerk, her dad was sweet like candy. She mopes, then cries then mopes and cries. She has long, emotional girl-talks with her best friend Maya. Sappy music plays in the background over nature montages. It’s basically an after-school special. Or a really long feminine napkin commercial.
Except that every once in a while bigfoot comes out and kills somebody. At least he kills the guys. It’s inferred that bigfoot has “other uses” for the women. They dwell on that quite a bit, really.
Technically the movie is competent enough. Acting, staging, etc. – they’re all fine. It’s just not a good horror movie. It’s completely unable to build tension of any kind. If it weren’t for the very brief moments where a guy in a hair-suit tears up some other guy it could easily be mistaken for a Hallmark movie of the week.