“The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies” on IMDB
Fantasy/Adventure/Action, 144 Minutes, 2014
So, we’ve successfully slogged through “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey” [My Review] and “The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug” [My Review] and we’re finally now ready to wrap things up in the shortest entry in the series at only 144 minutes. So, for those keeping track at home, that’s just a shade under eight hours to adapt a book you can read in under 10.
“Guardians of the Galaxy” on IMDB
Sci-Fi/Adventure, 121 Minutes, 2014
Before I get into the movie I’m going to begin with a totally harmless spoiler about the end-credit tease. It has nothing to do with the main plot of the movie and I won’t give anything meaningful away. Sometimes coincidence can blow your feeble brain.
Adventure, 100 Minutes, 2014
This is a completely formula, by-the-numbers family film. Bright, colorful animated characters voiced by famous people. Lots of jokes with popular references. Fast action! A simple plot! A super-sappy emotional message!
Folks, sometimes formula works. Sometimes formula works really, damn well.
It’s Star Wars Day, May the Fourth Be With You!
The official Star Wars page has a huge list of sales and deals just in case there’s a nook or niche in your home that’s screaming out for a Jar Jar Binks combo foot massager and potato peeler.
It’s a good time for Star Wars fans. The cast of the new trilogy was recently announced and isn’t horrifying. So far, at least, Damon Lindelof has been kept away from the project. A new animated show, Star Wars Rebels, is in the works.
Yes, it’s a good time for fans, so enjoy Star Wars Day!
“The Secret Life of Walter Mitty” on IMDB
Adventure/Comedy, 114 Minutes, 2013
This isn’t an adaptation of James Thurber’s classic 1939 short story. The story, as wonderful as it is, would make for a terrible movie. Its charm, and genius, is that the main character does literally nothing exciting. It’s an amazing literary work but would be wholly unsatisfying as a film. Nor is it a remake of the 1947 Danny Kaye [IMDB] classic. That film, wonderful and timeless as it is, is a product of its time and simply wouldn’t translate well into a modern film.
Adventure, 102 Minutes, 2013
Hey kids, it’s time to dig up Hans Christian Anderson and carve another chunk from his desiccated flesh! Sure, we’ve left him alone for awhile, but it’s time. We’ve been gouging at the Grimm boys for a while. We even did some Japanese imports! The crew over at Pixar’s been good to us but, dammit, we need a new princess to feed the machine! And this is a two-fer!
The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug” on IMDB
Fantasy/Adventure, 161 Minutes, 2013
This is the continuation of Thorin Oakenshield’s quest to reclaim the throne of his forefathers from the powerful dragon Smaug. Bilbo the Hobbit has proven his worth and courage and is a true member of the company. The movie picks up as the last ended, with the company being hunted by Azog’s orc pack.
Family, 91 Minutes, 2013
It used to be that companies like “Pixar” had to suffer poor imitators. Other companies would come along and produce, at best, paint-by-numbers knock-offs that hit all the same notes but couldn’t hope to match the music. For every “A Bug’s Life” [IMDB] there was an “Antz” [IMDB] and for every “Finding Nemo” [IMDB] there was “A Shark’s Tale” [IMDB]. These big-budget semi-clones where never terrible but they were always missing something.
Comedy, 104 Minutes, 2013
I’ve said it before, and I’ll continue to say it until they prove me wrong: Pixar doesn’t make bad movies. They just don’t. Some of their movies are worse than others, but none of them are bad. This one is, in fact, worse than others. It’s a super cliched story. Mike and Sully, bestest friends for life, are introduced when, get this, they didn’t like each other! They join the worst fraternity on campus and have to compete against the best fraternity… who are also total jerks!
Action/Drama, 149 Minutes, 2013
As a big fan of both classic serialized heroes and westerns, I was actually looking forward to this quite a bit. Sure, I may have been the only one, but I thought that it would at least be a nice, meaningless, popcorn lark. Something well-done, over-the-top and forgettable.
But then they had to go and throw in all that genocide.
