Authored December 2002
This was the only thing that I’ve ever written (originally posted to House of Fusion) that I ended up getting back (with my name removed) as spam – it even ended up on The Register (who nicely gave me credit after I informed them). Is that something to be proud of?
I have discovered an amazing truth that could help to pull our country out of our economic recession!
Every man, woman and child (and, I feel the evidence will show, a good percentage of the house pets) in Nigeria is secreting away a vast fortune in American currency! These caches rang from 18 to 58 million dollars (or, as they would say, “EIGHTEEN MILLION TO FIFTY-EIGHT MILLION AMERICAN DOLLARS”). It is kept in various trunks, hidden accounts and mattresses across the globe.
I know this because, through what is obviously a fluke coincidence, every single person in Nigeria has contacted me within the last six months – many more than once. Some dozens of times! Nearly unbelievable, I know, but absolutely true!
In 2001 Nigeria’s population was 126,635,626. Considering a (conservative) average personal holding of 29 million dollars that means that (conservatively again!) there’s 3,672,433,154,000,000 (or “THREE QUADRILLION, SIX HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-TWO TRILLION, FOUR HUNDRED AND THIRTY-THREE BILLION, ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-FOUR MILLION AMERICAN DOLLARS”) being held by the populace of Nigeria.
Now I would never dream of suggesting anything illegal. Luckily all of these people are the victims of vile plots and political misdeeds. Their funds are purely legitimate. Unfortunately every single one, for various reasons, requires the aide of a foreign partner to collect the funds. However they are willing to offer an assistance fee of 10%! Nearly unbelievable, I know, but absolutely true!
If we could put aside our personal greed and convince the US government to assist these poor people en mass, in the name of the American people, we could, in total, earn 367,243,315,400,000 dollars.
That influx of funds would, of course, be enough to wipe out our national debt, revitalize social security and other troubled government programs and reverse the current economic downturn! And we would be helping a nation and gaining a valuable ally in politically volatile Africa.
Nearly unbelievable, I know, but absolutely true!
I am now collecting evidence that similar situations may also be in existence in such unlikely places as the Congo, Angola and Cambodia. I will keep you posted!