[This is counts as reviews 14, 15 and 16 for this edition of my semi-regular “my-wife-and-kids-are-visiting-relatives-so-I’m-watching-loads-of-crappy-movies” film festival.]
I’ve watched years of MST3K. I’ve sat – in a theater – through every Ed Wood movie. Hell – I even finished (again in a theater!) “Starship Troopers 2”. Student projects? Watched them. Ultra-low budget? Check. Foreign art films… with subtitles… in black-and-white? No problem!
But I could not sit through these. I tried. I really did. I suffered through at least half of each hoping that something redeeming would occur. Nothing did.
There’s a line that these cross. They all bill themselves as “horror comedy” but they’re not remotely funny… or at least not funny to me. Retardead (which is still a great, but completely wasted, title) has an super-extended puking scene. Maybe I just didn’t get the story because it’s a sequel – to something called “Monsturd”.
“Zombie Driftwood” has zombies on a cruise ship – actually not a bad idea – but we get scenes of zombie activity directors doing zombie activities. We get editing punch-up in the form of fart and vomit noises. We get nothing watchable. “Dahmer vs Gacey” actually tries to be funny with dialog… but since not a single person on-screen can deliver dialog it’s just painful.
I know I’ve suggested that your avoid movies before: that was a suggestion. This is a demand: these films are poisonous. Skull-and-crossbones, make your kids into flipper-babies, fuck-you-up for life TOXIC. As I’m writing this I’m watching “Kick-ass” (the hands-down best movie of last year) – that’s the level of pure, intravenous awesome that’s needed to wash my brain after subjecting it to these.
