Movie Review: Piranha 3DD

“Piranha 3DD” on IMDB

Horror,  83 Minutes, 2012

The first Piranha movie was actually pretty good, this one not so much.  The first one had some decent actors, some fun cameos and a lot of classic monster movie mojo.  It was fun, sexy and well worth wasting 90 minutes of time if you had nothing better to do.

In the first movie an earthquake releases prehistoric piranha into a lake and hundreds of spring breakers are lunch.  In this one an unscrupulous water park owner drills a deep well so that he can fill his attractions with free water – water filled with piranha.  Because if you want to create a successful sequel to a monster movie you should always use “Jaws 3D” [IMDB] as your inspiration.

This movie just doesn’t try.  One of the first attacks occurs when a teenager forgets to set the brake on his van and it rolls into the water.  In another in takes several minutes for two girls to walk back along 12 feet of dock because the piranha are knocking the floorboards out.  When the piranha finally attack the park proper it’s an extended sequence where, for over 30 minutes, people are unable to get out of a swimming pool.

They just stand their flailing and bleeding and convincing you that they really, truly, deserve to die.  I’m a big fat bastard and I can get out of a pool in under 10 minutes if the need arises.  Apparently bikini babes are unable to do the same trick.

This is a movie where a guy gets his dick bitten off because – I shit you not – a piranha has hidden in his girlfriend’s vagina.  We spend quality time with another piranha sticking out of a fat guy’s asshole.  We also get an extended shot of a decapitated head (decapitated cleanly, I might add, by a plastic streamer when the driver of a golf cart hit it)  motor-boating a random stripper’s breasts.

The first movie was a fun, semi-serious homage to classic “nature kills” horror movies.  This one was just a ridiculous mess.

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