Comedy, 107 Minutes, 2013
This was so stupid. Stupid and silly. Stupid, silly and completely freakin’ hilarious. It’s not really the kind of movie that you’ll watch twice – most of the laughs are surprise shockers – but it’s definitely the kind of movie that you’ll laugh your ass off at.
Fantasy, 98 Minutes, 2013
The Croods are cavemen. In fact, after a series of misadventures, they are the very last cavemen in their area. They say they survive by fearing everything, rarely leaving their cave and never doing anything new. They actually survive via bombastic, attention-drawing action sequences that completely ignore everything they say.
Horror, 85 Minutes, 2010
Kids hiking through Europe are going missing near a small village in Poland and a junior reporter thinks there’s a story. Her editor demads she report on Honey Bee colony collapse (because editors will always shift resources away from young missing Americans abroad to cover science stories). Following her gut and ignoring orders she convinces her ex-boyfriend photographer and an intern to go AWOL and investigate the disappearances.
Sci-Fi, 100 Minutes, 2013
This may not actually be as bad as you may have heard but lordy, lordy it ain’t good. A lot has been said about M. Night Shyamalan’s [IMDB] fall from grace. I’m not one to kick a man when he’s down but dammit, this guy does not make it easy.
[Minor spoilers follow. Sorry.]
Fantasy, 100 Minutes, 2013
This was from a lot of the same people that brought you the weirdly fun “Orcs” [Our Review]. Apparently they got a good deal on the equipment because they’re back again with even more orcs.
“Android Insurrection” on IMDB
Sci-fi, 90 Minutes, 2012
This a terrible movie full of terrible things. But it is damn funny. It’s not meant to be funny, but it’s damn funny. Hard to watch, harder to follow and ridiculously difficult to take seriously, but damn funny.
It has all the problems of z-budget sci-fi. Terrible sets, terrible green screen and terrible integration of the, honestly, actually pretty good CGI. The whole movie gives the impression that one guy got pretty good at making robots on the computer and his dumbass friends decided that they would make such an awesome movie!
Horror/Comedy, 100 Minutes, 2013
Vampires are what we used to have before zombies. They pretty much all migrated to TV and terrible tween books, but a few years ago they were some kind of hot shit.
In this we meet Wayne Gretzky (no relation, and the first of several running jokes that goes absolutely nowhere), an ancient vampire who accidentally killed his mortal love 300 years earlier. Since then he’s been vampire-impotent and unable to “grow his teeth”. He now works as a history professor, survives on animal blood, and is generally pretty content.
“Video Game High School” on IMDB
Sci-Fi, 123 Minutes, 2012
[This isn’t technically a movie. Rather it’s a web series whose first season has been cut into a movie for distribution on NetFlix. I’m going to treat it like a movie. So there.]
This entire thing is unabashed, shameless pandering to the video game crowd. In this world video games are king. Good players are the rock stars and every teen wants to go to “Video Game High School”. Brian D is an everyman schlep who accidentally frags the school’s star, “The Law”, and gets a scholarship for his trouble.
“Star Trek, Into Darkness” on IMDB
Sci-Fi, 132 Minutes, 2013
Like the horribly disappointing “Promethues” [Our Review], this was written, in part, by Damon Lindelof [IMDB] who seems to take a perverse pleasure in completely ignoring beloved source material. He did the same thing, by the way, with “World War Z” which I recently reviewed at our sister site, MoreBrains.com. This guy is getting on my nerves.
Like those other movies you can consider this in two ways. As a stand-alone film this really isn’t that bad. It’s got some real, ugly stupid but as a mindless summer flick it’s not that bad. As a “Star Trek” movie? It really sucked.
Action, 130 Minutes, 2013
[By way of explanation, this review was written on Sept 19. I may have also sent the spellchecker into a neurotic spiral of depression.]
Ahoy, maties! This be the third picture show in the “Iron Man” series. Comin’ in the roiling wake of “The Avengers” [IMDB] it struggles like a drunkin’ tar heaved overboard. Our rum-soaked sea-dog, Tony Stark, is now bedeviled by panic attacks, insomnia and insecurity after saving the whole of the seven seas from an alien boarding party in New York.
