Tag: Horror

Movie Review: The World’s End

IMDB, The World's End“The World’s End” on IMDB

Comedy/Sci-Fi, 109 Minutes, 2013

[Wife and kids are away and I’m catching up on movies.]

Film nerds are likely aware that this film marks the third, or “Green Mint” flavor, of Edgar Wright’s [IMDB] acclaimed, but only tenuously related,  Three Flavours Cornetto Trilogy. The film stars Simon Pegg [IMDB] as Gary King, a rather sad forty-something that continues to ride the questionable glories of his high-school heydays, and Nick Frost [IMDB] as Andy Knightley, his former best friend who has since cleaned up, straightened out and made something of himself.

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Movie Review: Raptor Ranch

IMDB, Raptor Ranch“Raptor Ranch” on IMDB

Horror, 90 Minutes, 2013

This is the simple story of a small-town hottie, three friends who run out of gas, a gay soul singer and his entourage all being eaten by dinosaurs grown in silos by a crazy old man.
I think it’s based on a Dickens novella. Or maybe a morphine dream. Whatever it is it’s certainly not “Jurassic” or any kind of park.

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Movie Review: Entity

IMDB, The Entity“Entity” on IMDB

Horror, 87 Minutes, 2012

15 years ago a mass grave of over 30 people is found in the Siberian wilderness. The Russian government ignores the event and provides no explanation. A small group of journalists accompany a powerful psychic to the site to investigation. After making contact with spirits at the site the group is led to an abandoned research station several miles away. There they unravel a terrible secret while being assaulted by… something, left in the ruins.

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Turkey Day Movies!

What was Thanksgiving made for if not watching terrible movies with loved ones while eating way too much of way too much? We tried out some new turkeys this year, here are our impressions.

IMDB, Thankskilling“Thankskilling” on IMDB

Horror/Comedy, 70 Minutes, 2009

The first movie we have is holiday-appropriate but not family appropriate. We still watched it, but we did not feel good about it.  As promised by the poster there are “boobs in the first second” (for those that care, they are, in fact, the only boobs but that’s probably beside the point).

Anyway, an ancient Indian shaman summoned a demonic turkey to kill all the pilgrims and now he return every 505 years (except the movie actually takes place 400-some-odd-years after the intro) to kill the first batch of white people he finds.

The movie is a hell of lot of fun. Terribly acted, terribly realized, raunchy, family-unfriendly fun. There’s actually some clever, introspective gags here. The cast can’t deliver them but you’ll laugh at them trying either way.

IMDB, Axe Giant

“Axe Giant: The Wrath of Paul Bunyan” on IMDB

Horror, 90 Minutes, 2013

The first scenes of this movie, set in the 1800’s, had me worried. We do see a monster-killer with an ax and he’s… maybe, 5′ 10″? The word “giant” didn’t really come to mind. But it’s okay! Turns out he was just a little baby Bunyan back then. He was afflicted with a terrible disease, you see. One that let him live for hundreds of years and grow into an invincible giant. Terrible, it was!

So now it’s 2013 and a bunch of attractive teens are in the woods. They find the remains of Bunyan’s best friend, the blue ox Babe, and steal one of his horns. This angers Bunyan. He approaches the group and shares his feelings of violation and sadness. They apologize and return the horn.  They then help the sobbing giant to rebuild his makeshift monument as modernized, but respectful, rendition of  Minnie Riperton’s classic, “Loving You” plays out the scene.

Nah, I’m just fucking with you. He axes them all. He axes them good.

IMDB, Mancation“Mancation” on IMDB

Comedy, 95 Minutes, 2013

The wife decided that all the killing wasn’t in keeping with the the spirit of a holiday celebrating the start of a genocide, so we moved on to a comedy. Or, more specifically, we thought we did. If you never laugh – I mean ever – does it still count as a comedy?

Honestly we only had this in our queue because it popped up when we saw Danica McKellar [IMDB] in the differently terrible “Tasmanian Devils” [Our Review]. Sue us, we still like her! Just because her career has ended with movies like this doesn’t mean she’s a bad person or anything!

The movie blows. It tries to be a raunchy, bromance romp but ends up just raunchy and gross for the sake of being gross . It’s slow, scattered and joyless. But, Danica, we’re still rooting for you!

IMDB, Thankskilling 3“Thankskilling 3” on IMDB

Comedy, 99 Minutes, 2012

For our last turkey we decided to give this a shot. The first one was awful but the non-existent budget and terrible acting made it exactly the kind of terrible that you share with those you love. This one isn’t.

I don’t what the fuck this was. Imagine enough mescaline to drown congress. Now imagine doing all of it while watching “Pee Wee’s Playhouse”. Now imagine that, while you’re doing that, somebody is periodically hitting you in the face with a hatchet while reading “War and Peace” in Hebrew. Now, just for shits and giggles, imagine what kind of singing voice a fax-machine made of jelly-beans would have.

It’s kind of like that. Not at all good and not bad enough to be fun. There might be drugs that would make this movie great – the people that made it clearly had them – but I’m not sure what they might be and I have no desire to experiment.

So, as we wrap up, I think we have to give the non-existent “Golden Turkey” award to the original “Thankskilling”. The sequel was a huge disappointment, but the original was a hell of a lot of stupid fun.

Movie Review: The Barrens

The Barrens“The Barrens” on IMDB

Horror, 94 Minutes, 2012

Nearly all genre television is produced in Canada. Sure, it sounds crazy, but it’s true! If it has aliens, dinosaurs or ghosts it’s probably filmed in Toronto.  Apparently it’s cheaper or easier or something. Whatever the reason, pretty much every supporting character says “aboot” and all the doughnuts come from Tim Hortons.

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Movie Review: Tasmanian Devils

IMDB, Tasmanian Devils“Tasmanian Devils” on IMDB

Horror, 90 Minutes, 2013

Danica McKellar [IMDB], who did this to you?  Did they threaten you?  Did they tell you, “it’ll be fun!” or, “don’t worry, nobody will get hurt!”  Did they?  Well, young lady, you may not have intended it, but people got hurt.  Some seriously.  I was one of them.  So I need you to tell me who did this to you and I need you to do it right now.

Would you like to point out on the doll where they threatened to hurt you?

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