Fantasy, 113 Minutes, 2012
I think I had some trouble with this one because the trailers all prepared me (very well!) for a light-hearted fish-out-water (or, more specifically, a vampire-out-of-time) story decorated with some gothic trim. Instead we get an almost completely deadpan melodramatic horror-themed love story more befitting the film’s soap-opera roots.
Horror, 107 Minutes, 2009
Low budget horror movies can take several directions. Some attempt a tone of such complete, sincere seriousness that they can do nothing but fail when delivered by terrible actors. Others veer off to the other extreme where they attempt to downplay their shortcomings with parody or comedy. These tend to fail even more completely because parody and comedy aren’t remotely the shortcuts these folks think they are. In fact they’re almost impossible to pull off correctly.
Fantasy, 98 Minutes, 2011
James Furlong has a serious problem. The men in his line are afflicted with strange magical powers that tend to hinder more than help. His grandfather would go blind for 37 minutes if he thought about sex. His father disables machines near him when scared. James has it worse, however: whenever he’s hurt everything (and everyone) near him dies.
Horror, 103 Minutes, 2010
With almost no tweaking this could easily be a remake of “Poltergeist” [IMDB]. Although the haunted house angle (which was completely superfluous to begin with) is abandoned early the plot has all the same touch-points. Josh and Renai’s son, Dalton, enters into an unexplained coma that appears more like normal sleep than anything medical. Surrounding this are terrifying visions and things that go bump-in-the-night.
Thriller, 90 Minutes, 2009
The grunting, slobbering core of this movie is an unwieldy, multi-tentacled plot that drags itself into your living room, sits in your favorite chair and demands, “what kind of snacks you got?” It sits there eating your food and throwing what it thinks are insanely clever ideas at you for 90 minutes then gets up. That’s when you notice the smell and the movie’s core, noticing your look of disgust, admits: “By the way, I shit in your chair.”
Horror, 83 Minutes, 2009
I was a little put off when this started up and I discovered the production company was “Mountain Dew Green Label Studios” About 20 minutes in we also get treated to some elaborate art created primarily with Mountain Dew. Yes, this is a movie funded by soda pop and featuring soda pop. (Although, to be fair, they really weren’t that heavy-handed about it.)
Horror, 93 Minutes, 2010
Meh. I couldn’t get into this one. Basically it wandered around the point for a while then ended poorly.
A couple decide to get dropped off on an uninhabited island for two weeks. But – ohmygosh! – there’s a ghost on the island. How do we know that? Via the worst exposition technique ever, of course: they find an old journal detailing the only interesting events in the film. Events that we get to hear about, but not see.
The main characters are just punching-bags throughout the entire movie. They display almost no survival instinct at all. It’s like watching baby seals get clubbed. Clubbed by a ghost.
Horror, 96 Minutes, 2010
I did like this – quite a bit actually – but ultimately it collapses under its own weight and that’s a shame. It starts out strong but fragments at the end and wobbles unsteadily between horror movie cliché and attempts at introspective depth.
Horror, 95 Minutes, 2010
[This is the fifth review for this edition of my semi-regular “my-wife-and-kids-are-visiting-relatives-so-I’m-watching-loads-of-crappy-movies” film festival.]
Horror, 88 Minutes, 2010
[This is the fourth review for this edition of my semi-regular “my-wife-and-kids-are-visiting-relatives-so-I’m-watching-loads-of-crappy-movies” film festival.]
