Horror, 90 Minutes, 2013
Danica McKellar [IMDB], who did this to you? Did they threaten you? Did they tell you, “it’ll be fun!” or, “don’t worry, nobody will get hurt!” Did they? Well, young lady, you may not have intended it, but people got hurt. Some seriously. I was one of them. So I need you to tell me who did this to you and I need you to do it right now.
Would you like to point out on the doll where they threatened to hurt you?
Sci-fi/Horror, 98 Minutes, 2011
[This is the seventeenth selection in my irregular, “My Wife and Kids are Visiting Relatives and I’m Home Watching Movies” film festival.]
“Scream of the Banshee” on IMDB
Horror, 90 Minutes, 2011
Way back in the history times people wore metal clothes and everybody lived in the woods at night in a country called “Europe”. One of the towns in Europe was painted green and populated by bagpipe elves called Limericks. It was called “Ireland”. All that remains of this place today is legends and breakfast cereal.
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| Sharknado Horror, 83 Minutes, 2013 |
Jack the Giant Killer Adventure, 87 Minutes, 2013 |
Atlantic Rim Sci-Fi, 83 Minutes, 2013 |
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| Age of Dinosaurs Sci-Fi, 88 Minutes, 2013 |
AE: Apocalypse Earth Sci-Fi, 87 Minutes, 2013 |
2-Headed Shark Attack Horror, 83 Minutes, 2012 |
I’ve written about low budget schlock before, almost all of them produced by The Asylum, which has produced over 300 feature-length direct-to-video movies since 1997. They focus almost exclusively on producing “Mockbusters”: terrible films with budgets under a million dollars loosely based on current blockbusters and released days before the inspiring film hits theaters. Their films generally take less than four months from initial idea to final product. Recently they’ve become the go-to team to produce the SyFy Channel’s steady stream of increasingly ridiculous monster/disaster films. They’ve also slid into a weird niche producing ridiculous faith-based family films to cash in on the evangelical dollar.
Horror?, 87 Minutes, 2012
The SyFy channel continues its unspoken mission to destroy the art of filmmaking. They’ve seen the future and it’s a giant machine that takes two things, smooshes them together and makes them worse than they ever could be alone.
Horror, 88 Minutes, 2011
Christ-on-a-cracker this was bad.
Six friends get together to tour Ireland. You can drive across the country in a few hours and anything worth seeing is surrounded by inns, pubs and absolutely no parking; so of course these geniuses rent the biggest god-damn RV they can find. We kick-off with the requisite “watch the gang having fun!” musical montage. We spend just enough time there to split off the two characters with back-stories from the generic timid girl, hot girl, dumbass guy and black guy. Then, introductions out-of-the-way, we beeline straight for the dirtiest, creepiest gypsy gas station on the whole damn island – which happens to be at the absolute ass-end of nowhere.
Sci-fi, 92 Minutes, 2010
[This is the sixth review for this edition of my semi-regular “my-wife-is-visiting-relatives-so-I’m-watching-loads-of-crappy-movies” film festival. Yes, we’re back to the schlock.]
“Mongolian Death Worm” on IMDB
Horror, 89 Minutes, 2010
[This is the third review for this edition of my semi-regular “my-wife-is-visiting-relatives-so-I’m-watching-loads-of-crappy-movies” film festival.]
Horror, 101 Minutes, 2011
[This is the second review for this edition of my semi-regular “my-wife-is-visiting-relatives-so-I’m-watching-loads-of-crappy-movies” film festival.]
Zombie alert!
See the review of “Zombie Apocalypse” on our sister site, MoreBrains.com dedicated to all things zombie!
