Category: Movies

Movie Review: Shakes the Clown

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IMDB, Shakes the Clown“Shakes the Clown” on IMDB

Comedy, 87 Minutes, 1991

There’s a lot going against this movie.  It’s entirely reasonable to say that the movie is a one-joke pony.  It’s slow in that 90’s movie way that seemed completely normal at the time, but now seems downright odd.  Once you get past the (many) alcoholic clown gags the whole thing is pretty clichéd.  It also starts with the greasepaint-and-urine-smeared aftermath of a one-night stand between Shakes and Florence Henderson [IMDB].  On second thought, no; that’s an outstanding positive.

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Movie Review: The Incredible Burt Wonderstone

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IMDB, The Incredible Burt Wonderstone“The Incredible Burt Wonderstone” on IMDB

Comedy, 100 Minutes, 2013

I have no idea what happened here.  The cast was amazing: Steve Carell [IMDB], Steve Buscemi [IMDB], Olivia Wilde [IMDB], Jim Carrey [IMDB], James Gandolfini [IMDB] in one of his last roles, and Alan Arkin [IMDB].  Director Don Scardino [IMDB] may be new to feature films, but he has had an incredible presence in television.  How could this fail?!

I don’t know; but it did.

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Movie Review: Pacific Rim

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IMDB, Pacific Rim“Pacific Rim” on IMDB

Sci-fi, 132 Minutes, 2013

This movie is completely without depth or gravitas of any kind.  Every character is a cliché-ridden cardboard cutout.  Every scene is parody of exchanges you’ve seen a 1,000 times before.  Visual effects are used in place of emotional connection and innovation.

This movie was amazingly, astonishingly, awesome!

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Movie Review: A Six-pack of Asylum Schlock

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IMDB, Sharknado IMDB, Jack the Giant Killer IMDB, Atlantic Rim
Sharknado
Horror, 83 Minutes, 2013		 Jack the Giant Killer
Adventure, 87 Minutes, 2013		 Atlantic Rim
Sci-Fi, 83 Minutes, 2013
IMDB, Age of Dinosaurs IMDB, AE-Apocalypse Earth IMDB, 2-Headed Shark Attack
Age of Dinosaurs
Sci-Fi, 88 Minutes, 2013		 AE: Apocalypse Earth
Sci-Fi, 87 Minutes, 2013		 2-Headed Shark Attack
Horror, 83 Minutes, 2012

I’ve written about low budget schlock before, almost all of them produced by The Asylum, which has produced over 300 feature-length direct-to-video movies since 1997.  They focus almost exclusively on producing “Mockbusters”: terrible films with budgets under a million dollars loosely based on current blockbusters and released days before the inspiring film hits theaters.  Their films generally take less than four months from initial idea to final product.  Recently they’ve become the go-to team to produce the SyFy Channel’s steady stream of increasingly ridiculous monster/disaster films.  They’ve also slid into a weird niche producing ridiculous faith-based family films to cash in on the evangelical dollar.

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Movie Review: Jack the Giant Slayer

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IMDB, Jack the Giant Slayer“Jack the Giant Slayer” on IMDB

Adventure, 114 Minutes, 2013

A retelling of “Jack and the Beanstalk” the movie plays fast and loose with the particulars of the story but stays comfortably in the genre.  It adds a beautiful, strong-willed princess; a heroic, selfless knight; a devious royal advisor and ups the giant-ante considerably.  Instead of our hero outwitting a single giant we get a whole big bunch of giants!

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Movie Review: Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

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IMDB, Hansel & Gretel Witch Hunters“Hansel & Gretel: With Hunters” on IMDB

Adventure, 114 Minutes, 2013

This is directly in line with other high-firepower, low-respect updates of old-world classics like 2004’s “Van Helsing” [IMDB] or 2005’s “The Brother’s Grimm” [IMDB].  The formula gets tweaked but is basically the same: a hot guy and a hotter gal take on monsters with completely unrealistic steampunk firepower.

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