Category: Reviews

Pants make Earth Special

Movies, Rants
2 Comments

I recently caught the end of “Cowboys & Aliens” on cable again and as I watched the climatic battle I remembered the bit of my original review about how Hollywood was getting in a rut with its aliens:

Grey, hairless, oddly-bent knees, big teeth, covered in mucus  and dripping with drool.  It started with “Aliens” of course but then we got “Battle L.A.”, “Super 8″, “Independence Day”, “Skyline”, “Pitch Black” and everything from “Avatar” that you weren’t supposed to want to bang.

As I watched the sequence again I was struck by something that solidified my problem with all of these designs.  The one thing that neatly represents all my complaints and frustrations.

Where are all the pants?

These are advanced civilizations.  They’ve perfected space travel, energy weaponry and (I assume) fiscal accounting policies and practices.  Don’t any of them wear pants?  Togas?  Kilts?  Uniforms of any kind?  Even if only to tell the grey, backwards-kneed space janitors from the grey, backward-kneed space generals?  Do aliens really not have a bikini area?

Getting Excited for Ouya!

Gaming, Hardware
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Ouya ConsoleAlmost a year ago I gave some strangers $100 of my money.  They promised me that within a year they would give me a small box that would change my life.  (Making it completely different from, but reminiscent of, the puzzle box that releases sadistic demons in HellRaiser.)

The box would allow me to play Android games in full 1080p on my giant TV.  It would give me a high-end wireless controller just as good as my other consoles.  It would use a Tegra 3, turn on almost instantly and feature XMBC thus giving my current go-to media player, the beloved PS3, a run for its money (or at least a chance to rest).  It would be completely open and you could try anything you like before you buy it.

I can’t stress enough: this was a big risk.  There was no guarantee that I would ever get this box.  But me and 60,000 other people gave them our money anyway, crossed our fingers, hid from our suspicious spouses and hoped.

It seems like forever ago but the Ouya is real.  The thing, the actual damn thing, will start shipping to people like me – better than that to people that are actually me! – in three short days.  It just struck me a few minutes ago how God Damn cool that is.

Movie Review: The Whole Damn Paranormal Activity Franchise

Movies
Comments
IMDB, Paranormal ActivityIMDB, Paranormal Activity 2IMDB, Paranormal Activity 3IMDB, Paranormal Activity 4
Paranormal Activity on IMDB (Horror, 86 Minutes, 2007)
Paranormal Activity 2 on IMDB (Horror, 91 Minutes, 2010)
Paranormal Activity 3 on IMDB (Horror, 83 Minutes, 2011)
Paranormal Activity 4 on IMDB (Horror, 88 Minutes, 2012)

I, like everybody else, heard amazing things about this series.  The first movie was made on the thinnest of shoestring budgets (less than $15,000) but has since grossed over 100 million.  I had never gotten around to watching it.  With a fifth movie announced, four in the can and a whole day to kill I figured, “why not a marathon?”

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Movie Review: Noobz

Movies
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IMDB, Noobz“Noobz” on IMDB

Comedy, 97 Minutes, 2012

This is sorta, kinda, almost a remake of “The Wizard” [IMDB].  Like that weird little classic a group of friends, in this case a “Gears of War 3” clan, go cross-country to compete in a giant video-game championship.  The major difference is that the main characters here are thirty-something slackers.  The main similarity is that they, also, really don’t seem to know much about gaming.

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Movie Review: Death Race 3: Inferno

Movies
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IMDB, Death Race 3“Death Race 3: Inferno” on IMDB

Action, 105 Minutes, 2012

The Death Race movies are really odd ducks.  The original “Death Race 2000” [IMDB], released in 1975 by legendary producer Roger Corman [IMDB], showed us the dystopian future of the year 2000.  An annual trans-continental race (which actually started in 1980) where points are scored for pedestrian deaths and the brutality of kills is the national sport.  The star of the sport is “Frankenstein”, a disfigured racer who has never been beaten.

[There will be spoilers for the previous movies ahead.]

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Movie Review: Silent Hill Revelation

Movies
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IMDB, Silent Hill Revelation“Silent Hill: Revelation” on IMDB

Horror, 94 Minutes, 2012

This is a sequel to 2006’s underappreciated “Silent Hill” [IMDB].  Where the original movie was more inspired by the video game this movie attempts to merge that mostly original story with the third game.  (The “Silent Hill” video game series tends to vacillate between a loosely contiguous plotline and stand-alone stories set in its universe.  The third game was essentially a direct sequel to the first.  For what it’s worth the second game, which connects to very little, was the best game in the series and one of the best games ever made.)

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Game Review: The Ratchet & Clank Collection (PS3)

Gaming
Comments

Amazon, Ratchet and Clank Collection“The Ratchet & Clank Collection” at amazon.com

Rated E10+; Reviewed on PS3

The “Ratchet and Clank” series, along with the equally excellent “Jak and Daxter” and “Sly Cooper“, made the PS2 the undisputed king of action platform games.  While the “Jak” series soon took on an epic gravitas and Sly Cooper expanded on its trademark cartoon heists Ratchet and Clank were always about having a good time with a massive arsenal of insanely fun weapons.

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