Tag: B-movie

Movie Review: A Six-pack of Asylum Schlock

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IMDB, Sharknado IMDB, Jack the Giant Killer IMDB, Atlantic Rim
Sharknado
Horror, 83 Minutes, 2013		 Jack the Giant Killer
Adventure, 87 Minutes, 2013		 Atlantic Rim
Sci-Fi, 83 Minutes, 2013
IMDB, Age of Dinosaurs IMDB, AE-Apocalypse Earth IMDB, 2-Headed Shark Attack
Age of Dinosaurs
Sci-Fi, 88 Minutes, 2013		 AE: Apocalypse Earth
Sci-Fi, 87 Minutes, 2013		 2-Headed Shark Attack
Horror, 83 Minutes, 2012

I’ve written about low budget schlock before, almost all of them produced by The Asylum, which has produced over 300 feature-length direct-to-video movies since 1997.  They focus almost exclusively on producing “Mockbusters”: terrible films with budgets under a million dollars loosely based on current blockbusters and released days before the inspiring film hits theaters.  Their films generally take less than four months from initial idea to final product.  Recently they’ve become the go-to team to produce the SyFy Channel’s steady stream of increasingly ridiculous monster/disaster films.  They’ve also slid into a weird niche producing ridiculous faith-based family films to cash in on the evangelical dollar.

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Movie Review: Ooga Booga

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IMDB, Ooga Booga“Ooga Booga” on IMDB

Horror, 86 Minutes, 2013

I have no idea what to do with this.  It really is beyond me.  It’s like being faced with some kind of terrible puzzle that you must solve or be hit in the face with a hatchet and knowing that the only way to win is to be hit in the face with a hatchet.  It’s clearly trying to make a statement about racism but in doing so it’s being so incredibly offensive that, well… everybody ends up with a hatchet in the face.

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Movie Review: Hunting Grounds

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IMDB, Hunting Grounds“Hunting Grounds” on IMDB

You know how much fun it is listen to drunk people mumble gibberish for hours?  When they get quiet all of a sudden, stare at you with a bleary, squinty eye and demand to know if you’re paying attention?  Maybe they’ll reach out to give you a friendly pat on the shoulder but, upon missing by an arm-length, slip off their chair and bloody their chin.  Now, spit and blood smeared across their puffy face, they accuse you of being rude just before adding vomit to the mix.

That experience pretty much sums up this movie.

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Movie Review: Attack of the Herbals

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IMDB, Attack of the Herbals“Attack of the Herbals” on IMDB

Horror, 81 Minutes, 2011

Oh those wacky Nazis; what are they up to now?!  Whatever it is you know it has to be both totally evil and totally awesome.  Are they cross-breeding sharks and alligators?  Are they building a killer bees machine gun?  Maybe they’re constructing a secret underground empire where they’re breed an army of genetically enhanced cybernetic gorillas!

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Movie Review: Roadkill

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“Roadkill” on IMDB

Horror, 88 Minutes, 2011

Christ-on-a-cracker this was bad.

Six friends get together to tour Ireland.  You can drive across the country in a few hours and anything worth seeing is surrounded by inns, pubs and absolutely no parking; so of course these geniuses rent the biggest god-damn RV they can find.  We kick-off with the requisite “watch the gang having fun!” musical montage.  We spend just enough time there to split off the two characters with back-stories from the generic timid girl, hot girl, dumbass guy and black guy.  Then, introductions out-of-the-way, we beeline straight for the dirtiest, creepiest gypsy gas station on the whole damn island – which happens to be at the absolute ass-end of nowhere.

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