“Vamp U” on IMDB
Horror/Comedy, 100 Minutes, 2013
Vampires are what we used to have before zombies. They pretty much all migrated to TV and terrible tween books, but a few years ago they were some kind of hot shit.
In this we meet Wayne Gretzky (no relation, and the first of several running jokes that goes absolutely nowhere), an ancient vampire who accidentally killed his mortal love 300 years earlier. Since then he’s been vampire-impotent and unable to “grow his teeth”. He now works as a history professor, survives on animal blood, and is generally pretty content.
“Blood: The Last Vampire” on IMDB
Action/Horror, 91 Minutes, 2009
This should have been my kind of movie. A hot Japanese, 400-year old, half-demon school-girl hunting evil demons with a sword in the age of disco – how could it go wrong? Apparently in a quite a few ways, although I did enjoy it overall.
“Dead Cert” on IMDB
Action/Horror, 91 Minutes, 2010
The tagline for this one is “You Think You Know Vampires? Think Again.” I’m not sure if that’s a dig at sparkly vampires or not but these vampires, here? Pretty damn average if you ask me.
“Hotel Transylvania” on IMDB
Comedy, 91 Minutes, 2012
I’m a big fan of the old Universal Horror films. “Frankenstein”, “The Wolfman”, “Dracula” and “The Mummy” are all classics and this movie gets a decent bump just by having them all together. Sure they’re all cartoons with famous voices but they’re still together and there’s a host of little references and in-jokes that just for old-time fans like myself.
The story is kinda blah. It’s got that “been there, done that… now with more pop culture references!” feel that a lot of animation has. It’s fine, but nothing that you’ll remember a few days later. Monsters are really just decent folks hiding from the horrible humans that tried to hunt them out of existence. Dracula, in an effort to shelter her from the humans that killed her mother over 100 years ago, hides his daughter away from the world in a lavish hotel that caters exclusively to the monster world. When a wayward human hiker stumbles onto the hotel everybody is, of course, forced to reconsider.
“Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” on IMDB
Drama, 105 Minutes, 2011
First thing first: the premise of this movie is all kinds of bobble-headed-dumbassery. The specifics are that Abraham Lincoln’s mother was killed by a vampire as revenge for a slight by his father. When he grows up and seeks revenge he’s found and trained by a vampire hunter. Apparently vampires from Europe have set up shop in the South and are using the slave trade to build power and as cover for their feeding. He moves to Springfield where he hunts and discovers a talent for politics which he uses to put an end to slavery (and thus squash the vampire empire in America).
“Jennifer’s Body” on IMDB
Horror, 102 Minutes, 2009:
[This is the seventh review for this edition of my semi-regular “my-wife-is-visiting-relatives-so-I’m-watching-loads-of-crappy-movies” film festival.]
“Stake Land” on IMDB
Horror, 98 Minutes, 2010
[This is the eighth review for this edition of my semi-regular “my-wife-and-kids-are-visiting-relatives-so-I’m-watching-loads-of-crappy-movies” film festival.]
“Let Me In” on IMDB
Horror, 116 Minutes, 2010
[This is the sixth review for this edition of my semi-regular “my-wife-and-kids-are-visiting-relatives-so-I’m-watching-loads-of-crappy-movies” film festival.]
“Priest” on IMDB
Horror/Sci-Fi, 87 Minutes, 2011
Apocalyptic wastelands, vampires and related monsters, bad-ass futuristic motorcycles and ass-kicking ninja priests. Yeah; I like this movie.
“Prowl” on IMDB
Horror, 81 Minutes, 2010
I did like this, although it was pretty grotesquely stretched and still only hit 80 minutes. It would have worked much better as a short-form film or within an anthology.