Horror, 90 Minutes, 2012
This isn’t a good movie. In fact it’s a bad movie. Bad movie! Bad movie! (Like most of the movies in the class it has an identity crisis. It’s listed on IMBD as “Demon Hunter” but the available poster calls it “Obsidian Hearts”.)
Sci-fi/Horror, 98 Minutes, 2011
[This is the seventeenth selection in my irregular, “My Wife and Kids are Visiting Relatives and I’m Home Watching Movies” film festival.]
Adventure, 114 Minutes, 2008
[This is the fifth selection in my irregular, “My Wife and Kids are Visiting Relatives and I’m Home Watching Movies” film festival.]
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| Sharknado Horror, 83 Minutes, 2013 |
Jack the Giant Killer Adventure, 87 Minutes, 2013 |
Atlantic Rim Sci-Fi, 83 Minutes, 2013 |
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| Age of Dinosaurs Sci-Fi, 88 Minutes, 2013 |
AE: Apocalypse Earth Sci-Fi, 87 Minutes, 2013 |
2-Headed Shark Attack Horror, 83 Minutes, 2012 |
I’ve written about low budget schlock before, almost all of them produced by The Asylum, which has produced over 300 feature-length direct-to-video movies since 1997. They focus almost exclusively on producing “Mockbusters”: terrible films with budgets under a million dollars loosely based on current blockbusters and released days before the inspiring film hits theaters. Their films generally take less than four months from initial idea to final product. Recently they’ve become the go-to team to produce the SyFy Channel’s steady stream of increasingly ridiculous monster/disaster films. They’ve also slid into a weird niche producing ridiculous faith-based family films to cash in on the evangelical dollar.
Horror, 86 Minutes, 2013
I have no idea what to do with this. It really is beyond me. It’s like being faced with some kind of terrible puzzle that you must solve or be hit in the face with a hatchet and knowing that the only way to win is to be hit in the face with a hatchet. It’s clearly trying to make a statement about racism but in doing so it’s being so incredibly offensive that, well… everybody ends up with a hatchet in the face.
Horror?, 87 Minutes, 2012
The SyFy channel continues its unspoken mission to destroy the art of filmmaking. They’ve seen the future and it’s a giant machine that takes two things, smooshes them together and makes them worse than they ever could be alone.
“Age of the Hobbit” (aka “Clash of the Empires”) on IMDB
Fantasy, 87 Minutes, 2012
[After I released this review I learned that this was also released under the title “Lord of the Elves” and this is how you’ll find it – if you really insist on doing so – on Amazon.com Instant Video.]
You know how much fun it is listen to drunk people mumble gibberish for hours? When they get quiet all of a sudden, stare at you with a bleary, squinty eye and demand to know if you’re paying attention? Maybe they’ll reach out to give you a friendly pat on the shoulder but, upon missing by an arm-length, slip off their chair and bloody their chin. Now, spit and blood smeared across their puffy face, they accuse you of being rude just before adding vomit to the mix.
That experience pretty much sums up this movie.
Horror, 80 Minutes, 2012
This van is really crappy– sorry, I meant “creepy”. It’s so very, very crappy– damn, I did it again. It’s an ugly, rusty, stupid, ridiculous, terrible van– wait, I mean “creepy”. Creepy, shitty, creepy van. It’s a creep van, OK?
Horror, 88 Minutes, 2011
Christ-on-a-cracker this was bad.
Six friends get together to tour Ireland. You can drive across the country in a few hours and anything worth seeing is surrounded by inns, pubs and absolutely no parking; so of course these geniuses rent the biggest god-damn RV they can find. We kick-off with the requisite “watch the gang having fun!” musical montage. We spend just enough time there to split off the two characters with back-stories from the generic timid girl, hot girl, dumbass guy and black guy. Then, introductions out-of-the-way, we beeline straight for the dirtiest, creepiest gypsy gas station on the whole damn island – which happens to be at the absolute ass-end of nowhere.
